Tools to Support

What’s My Story?

Disagreements are part of everyday life. We disagree because as humans, we are all different and parenting can be difficult. We are who we are because of everything we have experienced in our lives. The diagram shows all the influences in our lives.

Download the resource to consider your own history and how this might impact on you

Download why we are arguing? from Parental conflict toolkit (raceequalityfoundation.org.uk)

Do we consider how each other feels?

Often when we argue, we get caught up in the moment. We can’t always understand others or see it from another point of view. See it differently have put together a series of short videos to help you.

Maddie’s Family

Watch Maddie's Video

Chloe’s Family

Watch Chloe's Video

Jag’s Family

Watch Jag's Video

Mahmoud’s Family

Watch Mahmoud's Video

Sometimes it’s hard to understand others and as parents we are always busy. Use the diary template to look at when your stressful times of the day and week occur and how you could support each other.

	Activity	I felt…	I needed…
For example – Mon AM	Getting the kids packed lunches ready	Stressed out because the kids wouldn’t get dressed or pack their bags	You to help the kids pack their bags and encourage them to get dressed, instead of…
Mon AM
Mon PM
Tue AM
Tue PM
Wed AM
Wed PM
Thur AM
Thur PM
Fri AM
Fri PM
Sat AM
Sat PM
Sun AM
Sun PM

Click here for a printable pdf version of the table above.

What causes arguments between us?

How can we handle arguments better?

a simple tool to express how you feel

This can help you to express how you both feel and what needs to change:

Name the feeling; upset, annoyed, sad, etc

Describe the behaviour or situation ie: you shout at me

State the preferred behaviour “you to listen to me and not shout”

When you do ……………………………………………

I think ………………………………………….

and I feel ………………………………………….

then I (do or say) ………………………………………….

When you say ………………………………………….

I think ………………………………………….

and I feel ………………………………………….

then I (do or say) ………………………………………….

can also be used with a co-parent – have a look at the examples below.

Reframe the situation: “She’s probably trying to work out when is best.”
Offer a solution: “Do you want me to speak to her, see what we can sort out?

Explain why it’s important. “… because by then they’re too tired to do a good job.”
Be clear on what you need. “I would be grateful if we could both plan homework time for when the kids are with us.”

Negotiating – 3 simple steps

1. Make a clear and polite request: “I would like Josh to be there for all of the fireworks.”
2. Offer something positive that you can do: “OK. How about I leave earlier and drop him straight to the party?”
3. Find a compromise that everyone can agree to: “He’s not got his wellies… but I could bring them and meet you there.

TOP TIPS for handing arguments better –

Try to really listen, and not interrupt, even if you don’t like what is being said
Let your partner know that you need some time out and go for a walk
Take some deep breaths, go somewhere quiet and calm down for 20 minutes
If you feel as if you are going round in circles, agree to stop the conversation and talk later
If you feel that your partner isn’t listening, pause and give them a few minutes uninterrupted to say how they feel – and then do the same.
Offer reassurance by saying something like “I do want to sort this out and I care about you, but I think we need to talk when we are less angry with each other”

Remember, arguing is not just the words we use but also: We need to be able to understand our own feelings and emotions before we try to explain them to others.

Recognising your feelings

Being able to recognise your own emotions will help you tell your partner (or ex) how you are feeling when arguments happen. It might feel difficult at first, but with time it will become easier and make communicating less stressful.

Activity 1:

This image shows 6 of the main emotions: fear, anger, disgust, sadness, happiness, and surprise. Which emotion do you feel when you end up in an argument?

HAPPINESS

SADNESS

FEAR

SURPRISE

ANGER

DISGUST

Download Recognising Your Own Feelings for other activities to help you understand yours.

How are we having an impact on the kids?

When parents separate, sometimes children end up in the middle or taking on different roles.

Do you recognise any of these?

Sometimes separated parents put their children in difficult positions.

Do you recognise any of these behaviours?

LOCAL HELP

Want more options where you live?

Select your local council from the dropdown below and click submit.

If you are not sure who your local council is, visit https://www.gov.uk/find-local-council for further information.

Relationship Matters is a new partnership between 13 Councils across Yorkshire and the Humber Region helping families who may be having relationship difficulties.